The Extremely Secret Diary of Daniel Chalmers

danielbefore @ 2009-06-29T07:28:00

2009-06-29T06:28:46Z

The boys went out last night to watch a movie. They arrived home at 3 am, somewhat blasted and with the sleeve of Harry's shirt torn badly and Charles sporting a bruise across his face that I knew would hurt as soon as he sobered up.

Harry came up to me as I opened the door and said, "Good old Daniel! Sorry about the car."

"What about the car?" I said, fearing that my Amanda was wrapped around a postbox somewhere.

"It wasn't his fault!" said Charles, "He was driving fine. Whoooosh! Right down the ... the ... what do you call it?"

"Road?" said Harry.

"No, I meant what road. I know it's a bloody road! I'm not stupid!"

"I am." said Harry, grinning, "But he's right, I was driving very well."

"It was that idiot on his motorbike." said Charles.

"You hit a motorbike?" I said, shocked.

"No, but I wish we had!" said Harry.

"This great hairy lump of a biker shouted, 'What did you pay for that heap of junk?'" said Charles.

"Bloody cheek!" said Harry.

"We were cool, calm and dignified." said Charles.

"We were?" said Harry, quickly correcting it to, "We were!"

"Harry looked him right in the eye and said, 'Where did you steal yours? From a little girl?'"

"He said to me, 'If you weren't just a stupid kid, I'd rip your head off.'" said Harry, "So I said, 'I'm eighteen and you're chicken.'"

"Harry, you provoked some mindless biker into attacking my beautiful car?"

"Harry would never, ever do that!" said Charles, "He got out of the car to fight. Then the biker turned out to have some friends."

"And they attacked the car?" I said.

"No, they attacked Harry. I had to get involved. There were four of them."

"How badly were you two hurt?" I said.

"I think they hurt us pretty well." said Harry, "I think they'd done that kind of thing before."

"Do you need a doctor?"

"No, but if there's a cute nurse on offer, I can groan convincingly."

"So what happened to my car?" I said.

"They threw Charles at it." said Harry, "The paint's scratched and there's a little dent."

"Estelle says I'm a bad influence on you. I'm starting to think she may be right."

"Ha!" said Harry, "You'd never see me letting a woman tell me what to do!"

"Raquel Welch could tell me to do anything!" said Charles.

I decided to be firm. "Neither of you should have been driving in that condition."

"Well, we couldn't get the car on a bus." said Harry.

"You were supposed to see a movie and come back home." I said.

"Daniel, the car just needs a little bit of repair." said Harry, "There's no need to be all funny about it."

"Do you realise you could both have been killed?" I said.

"But we weren't!" said Harry, "So break out the champagne and let's celebrate!"

"I'll drink to that!" said Charles.

"Harry, you're fifteen!" I said.

"And you're fifty!" he said, "So bloody what? Didn't you ever have fun when you were alive?"

"You think this is fun? Tomorrow, you're going to feel terrible."

"So that's a good reason to have lots of fun tonight." said Harry.

"I think you've had enough." I said.

"You think I'm too young, don't you?" said Harry.

"Yes, I do."

"Well, I tell you what. We'll see what my Dad says. We'll give him two minutes to turn up and have an opinion and, if he has no objection, I'll have a double brandy."

"If he were here, I'm sure he'd have an objection." I said.

Harry stopped grinning. "Well, sod him! I don't need him. Never have, never will. Stupid bugger probably drank himself to death years ago. I don't care." He looked at me with a desperate look in his eyes and said, "So there's no-one to care if I do the same, is there?"

"That shirt is ruined." I said, trying not to let my voice shake.

He looked at me uncertainly, then gave a faint smile and said, "Savile Row tomorrow, then, eh?"

"Only if you're in a condition likely to reflect well on me." I said.

He nodded. "I should probably sleep."

"Probably." I said.

He stopped on the stairs and said, "Daniel, do you think my father is alive?"

"How would I know?" I said.

"I hope he isn't. If he's alive, he just doesn't want me."

"Don't say that, Harry." I said, "You don't know that."

"Goodnight, Daniel." he said.

I watched him go up, then Charles said, "What if we found him one?"

"What?"

"A father. We could pay someone to pretend."

"I don't think he'd believe it." I said.

"Then we'll just have to be his family, won't we?" he said.

Advice

2009-05-06T06:13:16Z

I thought I needed Estelle's opinion on Harry so I took her up west for a meal last night. I told her about the incident the night before and the impossibility of keeping the lad out of trouble when he has such a keen instinct for finding it. I asked her what she thought his problem was and she laughed.

"What's funny?" I said.

"Oh, Daniel, love, you are! You teach a fifteen year old boy half the vices of a forty year old and then get surprised when he's curious about the rest. You're a good man, but a bad influence. The boy drinks brandy and champagne. There's no control on his finances and no moral guidance whatsoever. He gets lonely, he craves affection, and you teach him that anything he wants can be bought or stolen."

"Not people." I said.

"Daniel, you treat the human race as if it were divided into intelligent people and marks. He's just a kid. He grew up fast on the streets and you think he's mature for his age, but he's still young and confused about life and learning about life according to Daniel Chalmers isn't helping. What were you doing, taking him to Soho anyway? Neither of those boys should have been there."

"Well, left unattended, they rescue people, and eventually we'd run out of spare rooms."

"Their hearts are in the right place." said Estelle, "And I know someone else who rescues people."

"When it's in my interests to do so." I said.

"I've told you before, it never works on me." she said, "I've known you too long."

"Harry has a good brain, an excellent brain." I said, "I don't want him wasting it in pursuit of women."

"From what I've seen, he doesn't have to do much chasing. What he needs is some proper guidance from somebody outside your world."

"What's wrong with my world?" I said.

"Nothing, if you're a cynical rogue with no interest in life beyond the gathering and wasting of wealth. A lot, if you're a boy of fifteen."

"I've done my best." I said, "I've tried to take good care of him. My world may not be ideal, but it's the only one I understand. Besides, can you imagine Harry in an office, with paperwork? Can you imagine Harry sitting behind a desk? That's not a life, it's a sentence!"

"If he sticks with you, he may face a worse sentence."

"I won't let that happen." I said.

"Daniel, you can't teach him the things he really needs to know. You're in no position to preach to him about honesty and sobriety ... "

"That boy is as honest as I am!" I said.

"You're a conman, love."

"Yes, but I only lie to marks."

"And me, and Harry, and yourself. But anyway, what can you tell him about women?"

"I have studied them more than anyone I know. What can't I tell him?"

"What can you tell him about love, commitment, marriage, kids? He's going to need to know all that stuff."

"No, Harry isn't interested in settling down."

"With you around, of course he isn't. He wants to be just like you, poor little sod. He wouldn't, would he, if he knew what a lonely life that is?"

"Harry and I will be fine. He has me, I have him. We don't need to be lonely."

"One day, that boy is going to fall in love. And he won't do it by halves, our Harry. It'll be Romeo and Juliet with full orchestral accompaniment."

"Romeo and Juliet both ended up dead." I said.

"Harry's a survivor."

"Life isn't like a novel. Love doesn't always work out. He's better off without it."

"And you've told him that?"

"I don't want the boy hurt."

"I can't think of anything worse than ending up a bitter old cynic, all alone with a pile of money."

"I can, the same without the pile of money." I said.

"If that's the life you want for him, send him to Soho with a few thousand and let him do as he likes."

"He'd end up dead." I said.

"Then stop teaching him that love is dangerous. It scares you, that's all."

"Harry takes things to heart. You're right, if he falls in love, it will be with an audible thud. And do you know what kind of woman he's attracted to?"

"It can't be worse than the kind you're attracted to."

"Harry likes clever women, brilliant women, women with integrity. If he falls in love with a woman like that, he's either in big trouble or he's out of our world for good."

"I think you underestimate how much he loves you. As long as you don't do something stupid, like trying to split them up, he'll still want you around. You're the nearest thing he has to a father and you may be the worst father who ever drew breath, but you're probably also the best-intentioned."

"And the root of all his problems, according to you."

"No, they all started long ago. That uncle of his was a monster. You're not a monster, Daniel. You're just a blithering idiot. You can't protect him from pain by teaching him to be scared of love."

"Right now, I'll settle for finding a foolproof way of protecting him from predatory hookers." I said.

"Try talking to him. You're the only one he really listens to." said Estelle. I don't think she understands the situation at all.

Harry Needs More Supervision

2009-05-05T06:56:59Z

I had some business in Soho last night, and took the boys with me. Charles came with me to a little meeting with a very reliable fence and Harry volunteered to wait outside and look after the car.

Next time, both are coming in with me.

When I left him, he moved into the driving seat. He's tall for his age and, behind the wheel of a car, he can look anything up to 20, especially to a lady of the evening who is looking for a customer. I came out to find one such lady endangering the paintwork with some sharp-looking bangles as she leant on MY car and said, "Evening, sir. Looking for a good time. To which Harry replied, "Always." with a hopeful grin.

I went over and said, "Harry, stop bothering the lady. We have to go."

She frowned at me and walked away and Harry said, "I was only being polite."

"Harry, you're fifteen." I said, "There's a limit to how polite you can be."

"Nothing was going to happen!" he said, but he sulked for the rest of the night.

Humphrey

2009-04-23T21:31:48Z

Last night, the boys were out late, celebrating a little luck we had at a casino. I went home. I had our next piece of luck to plan.

At 3 am, when they still weren't home, I began to worry. I called the last bar we'd been in together and was told they had left some hours before. Harry's a disaster drunk, so I was relying on Charles to make sure they both got back.

Just after 4 am, I heard Charles yelling, "Be quiet, Harry! People are trying to sleep."

"So am I!" said Harry, "But you keep waking me up!"

"Well, I can't carry you and him!" Charles shouted.

I went to the door. There were three of them, two drunk, one looking half-dead. I'm glad to say the worst of the party was the stranger and not one of my lads. "Get in and be quiet." I said, "Who's your friend?"

"Humphrey!" said Harry.

"I wanted to call him Bertram." said Charles, "But Harry outvoted me."

They carefully propped him against the wall in the hallway and closed the door. "Shhh!" said Charles, who was the loudest present.

I looked at their associate and tried not to inhale too much of his unique and terrible aroma. "I thought you planned to get drunk," I said, "Not a drunk."

Harry came over to me and grabbed my lapel, half in supplication, half for support. "'Sraining, Danny boy." he said, his old accent fully in evidence, "Gets cold under the bridges when it rains. Just for one night. Just let 'im get warm. 'E's frozen."

"Harry," I said, "You have to stop trying to rescue people." But he stared at me in good-natured incomprehension and I knew he would forget anything I said by the morning anyway.

The man could have been anywhere between fifty and seventy. Some rags that had once been gloves clung wetly to his fingers, the rain having rendered them a mere trap for water. His shoes were split and his pants were torn and he looked like he couldn't remember the taste of food.

He looked at me in confusion and said, "Is this a doss house?" in a voice that croaked with disuse.

"The best in Belgravia!" I said, "Charles, can you run a bath without falling into it?"

Charles saluted, then stumbled as the salute threw him off-balance. "Right away!" he said. He went unsteadily up the stairs.

Harry had by now sunk helplessly to the floor and was muttering, "It's cold, in the rain."

"Harry, stop worrying. We're stuck with him for tonight." I said. I turned to the man and said, "What's your name?"

"Anything, guv." he said, "Young lad there said 'Umphrey."

I could see Harry would be no good, so I took Humphrey up to the bathroom and helped him remove clothes that had not been removed in some time. I began to wish I were drunk.

Charles and I helped him into the bath, warm, not hot. I could see he wasn't in a fit state for any sudden shocks. He looked as if he were about to cry, so Charles and I left him in peace. I went to find a spare suit for him and Charles went at my insistence to try to make some coffee for himself and Harry.

I put the suit in the bathroom together with a towel. "That's a good suit." I said, "It will last a bit longer than your last one."

"They said I'd be fine 'ere." he said.

"They're good lads." I said, "Kind-hearted."

"Like their Dad, eh?" he said.

It didn't matter, so I didn't correct him. Instead, I went downstairs to find Harry upright, but far from sober. He flung his arms around me and said, "Thankyou!"

"Sorry." said Charles, "He takes a lot of sobering up."

"Where did you find Humphrey?" I said.

"Under a bridge." said Charles, "We thought he was dead at first, then we saw he was shaking."

"And you thought you'd bring him here?"

"Harry begged me to bring him here."

"He would!" I said, annoyed and proud and wishing with all my heart that he had never had reason to know what the man's life was like.

"Don't blame Harry." said Charles, "He just can't bear to see someone suffer."

"Well, I just lost a fine suit." I said.

He moved closer and said, "How much did you slip into the pocket?"

"Fifty." I said, "More than that and he'd only get himself murdered for it."

"He can have my bed!" said Harry.

"Your room is stuffed full of breakable antiques." I said, "He can sleep in the spare room."

"Just needs to be warm." said Harry, "The cold goes into your bones. Nobody should live like that."

"We'd better feed him." I said, "Soup would be a good start. There's no knowing when he last ate."

"I'll do it!" said Harry, weaving across the room.

"Your night off, Harry. I'll do it." I said.

"Be careful in the kishen." he said, "You're a bit blurry around the edges tonight."

"You would be too, if people kept bringing home strays to your house." I said.

"You brought me home." he said.

Humphrey came slowly downstairs. I went to help him. I didn't want to have to explain a tramp with a broken neck in a Savile Row suit.

"Got a fag?" he said.

"Will a cigar do?" I said.

Charles took one from the box and gave it to him.

"Can I have one?" said Harry.

"What have I told you about smoking?" I said.

"I don't remember." he said.

Charles steered Humphrey to a chair. "Daniel's going to get you a warm meal." he said.

"Oh, lovely." he said.

He poured him a glass of brandy and said, "Have this to warm you up a bit while you wait."

It vanished far more quickly than a good brandy should. He drank like Harry used to eat and probably for the same reason. Any kindness may be only temporary and any gift might be snatched away.

I went into the kitchen to cook. Harry followed me. "Did I do the right thing?" he said.

"You brought a smelly, filthy old drunk to one of the most exclusive parts of London and he's now drinking brandy that cost more than that suit did." I said.

"Are you angry with me?" he said.

"What were you supposed to do? Leave an old man to die? Of course I'm not angry. I hope someone like you is around when my luck runs out."

"You're an idiot, Danny." he said fondly.

"Any particular reason?" I said.

"If your luck ... your inful... infil... infallible luck runs out, I'll be here, won't I?"

I wasn't sure what to say. "Go back to your guest." I said.

He nodded and headed for the door.

"And, Harry, he thinks you're my son. Don't say you're not, you understand?"

He smiled at me, the winning smile of a happy drunk and nodded.

The soup was good, not Harry's standard, but good. Humphrey seemed to like it, anyway.

Later, as Charles helped him up the stairs he said, "Guv, you left some money in this suit."

"Keep it." I said.

"It's an 'ell of a lot."

"Without you, I doubt I'd ever have had these two home before dawn." I said.

Television

2009-04-08T14:50:10Z

The boys were watching some drab little drama on television last night. They seemed quite enthralled by it. I was less impressed.

"Television!" I said.

"What's wrong with television?" said Harry.

"Deadens the mind, corrupts the soul." I said, "If you must watch the idiot box, couldn't you watch something good, like The FBI?"

"What's The FBI?" said Charles, "I've never seen it."

"They probably don't have it in this benighted country." I said, "It's well-written, compelling and, above all, skilfully acted."

"Who's in it?" said Harry.

"Well, Peter Graves, Paul Gleason and Efrem Zimbalist Jr for a start!" I said.

"Anyone with charisma?" said Charles.

"You mean with a cleavage?" I said, "There are some very attractive ladies in it too."

"We could live in America, then we could watch it." said Harry, "Hey, if we live in California, we might even meet the stars. Imagine that!"

"You know what I'd love?" said Charles, "I'd love to be stuck in a lift with Sophia Loren."

"She'd have you for breakfast!" I said.

"She could have me for lunch!" said Harry, grinning.

I think I can safely say that neither of the boys will be taking holy orders in the next ten years. I also think I should be very wary about taking them anywhere near Hollywood.

I need to wean them off the television, though. No good ever came of watching too much television!

A Quarrel

2009-03-23T09:27:33Z

Last night, I argued with Harry over something ridiculous. I don't even remember how it started, just that we were both tired and irritated with other people and we both overreacted until finally he yelled, "I'm sick of this, Daniel! I don't have to do what you say!" then he went to his room and slammed the door.

Charles came in from the dining room, sat at my desk and said, "Harry sounds cheerful. What happened?"

"He'll be fine, later." I said, hoping it was true.

"You want me to go up and talk to him?" he said.

"No, you'd probably get something thrown at you." I said.

"You know what he needs, don't you?" said Charles.

"If you say five hundred pounds and the use of the car, I will smell a conspiracy."

"No, although, now you mention it, I am a bit short of readies."

"Harry, how much does your father pay on school fees to make sure you talk well?"

"I'm Charles, Daniel." he said.

"Yes. Forgive me. You sometimes seem just like him."

"Those are fighting words." said Charles.

"Admit it, you do like him now." I said.

He laughed. "He's a sandwich short of a picnic, sometimes a picnic short of a picnic, but his heart's in the right place."

"If anything happened to me .... " I said.

He stood up suddenly. "Don't ever say that again!"

"I'm not immortal, my boy. The day will come."

"You don't have to be immortal, just don't die while I'm alive!"

"If anything, death, justice or the plagues of Egypt come between us, I want you and Harry to stick together. You're all he's got if I go and he'll be a good friend to you."

"If you die, I bet he finds a way to blame me." said Charles.

"He likes you." I said, "At this moment, a lot more than he likes me."

"Daniel, you're a twit!" he said, "He's only in this mood because he likes you. Whenever you argue, he starts thinking you don't like him, so he goes insane, just like I did at school when that letter came saying Dad was ditching me again."

"Your father is a dreamer, always was."

"So are you, but somehow you always manage to turn up when I need you. You're a better Dad to me than he ever was and to Harry too."

For a moment, I wondered whether he'd worked it out, but then he added, "Better than his real dad, anyway."

"Not hard." I said, "The man was a rat."

"So Harry said. It must be hard, not knowing. At least I can picture the one I'm hating."

"You don't hate him." I said.

"No, but one day I'll find a way."

"Hate is a waste of time and energy. If you hate someone, they control your life." I said.

"You've never hated anyone?" he said.

"How do you think I found out?" I said.

"Who?"

"Someone who beat a child of four and hounded a young woman to death."

"Tell me his name. I'll kill him." said Charles.

"There is nothing he would love more than to put someone I love in prison." I said, "For my sake, and so he never gains any kind of victory, never hate anyone and never kill. Violence is for men like him, who know no other way."

"Who was the woman?" he said, "Someone you loved?"

"She was too good for me." I said, the truth serving as an effective lie.

"So is Estelle." he said, "But you still try your luck."

That shocked me. An occasional flirtation with Estelle does occur, but I had no idea he knew. "Estelle knows better than to get involved with a man like me." I said.

"Yes." he said. He winked at me. "But maybe you can change her mind."

"Estelle deserves more than I can give." I said.

"Maybe she could change you."

"You think I need to be changed?" I said.

"I don't think I'd want to live a hundred years without someone to love."

Contrary to the wild calculations you and Harry come up with, I am not a hundred years old."

"No, but it's on the horizon, isn't it?" he said.

"I'm not halfway there yet!" I said.

"Then you're young enough to settle down with someone." he said.

"Love is for men with more courage and less experience." I said.

"Well, that means I should be in with a chance." he said.

"Love can be very dangerous." I said.

"So can polo, but it's worth the risk." said Charles.

He went to the foot of the stairs and yelled up them, "Harry, stop sulking! Come and have some of Daniel's brandy!"

"Sod him, sod you and sod the sodding brandy!" said Harry.

"Pure poetry." said Charles to me, "It's Harry that needs the big school fees."

He turned back to the stairs and shouted, "I'm making dinner. I thought I'd do something with those steaks. You want some?"

Harry's door flew open and he came down the stairs, missing several of them. "You can't cook toast! Let me do it."

"I'm sorry, Harry." I said.

"I'm not talking to you." he said.

"Ah. Anything I can do to change that?" I said.

"No." he said.

"Good for you, Harry." said Charles, "I never talk to the bugger either, if I can help it."

"Don't call him that." said Harry.

Harry went into the kitchen and Charles smiled at me and said, "You know, he's just like you."

"Determined, stubborn?"

"Easily manipulated." he said.

danielbefore @ 2009-03-11T06:59:00

2009-03-11T07:41:01Z

Harry seems to be perpetually hungry. He hates to miss a meal and needs to know that his kitchen is under his control. The tension between the boys has lessened a lot, but Charles still gets into trouble whenever he meddles with anything in the kitchen. My activities there are tolerated, but Harry is always relieved to take over again. Maybe it's just that he spent too long scavenging for food. At least he stopped hoarding it around the house.

With Charles, the problem is girls, specifically, the fact that they all seem to notice Harry first. He's taller and he has his mother's looks. He's never going to find it hard to get a girl's attention. I'm sure Charles will be fine. He's a good-looking boy too, and a little more polished than Harry. He just needs better tactics, but I won't give him any just yet. I don't want either of them chasing girls right now.

The Boys and Two Bad Fathers

2009-02-20T06:46:17Z

Last night, the boys went to see a movie together, which I consider real progress. I waited for them to come back, in case they had fought or argued, but they came home in good spirits.

They have a similar sense of humour and, when they're not using their wit to creatively insult one another, can easily make each other laugh. I gave them each a drop of brandy on their return.

This morning, the Major prattled on endlessly about his illustrious family. Apparently, he had an ancestor at Agincourt. Charles and I quickly became bored and made our excuses. Harry stayed to listen. The boy loves stories.

My brother actually sent a letter to my club. Well, hardly a letter, more a note. He's in China. He did express concern for Charles, but evinced no great desire to see him again soon. I didn't tell Charles. He'd want to read the letter, and I don't want him hurt by his father's coolness toward him.

When I got back from the club, I felt an urge to talk to my son. He was still with the major, so a long chat was impossible, but I told him I was impressed by something he had done and his face lit up with that smile that is so like his mother's. I wish I could tell him that he's not alone in the world and that his father loves him dearly. In some ways, I am worse than my foolish brother.

Progress

2009-01-29T19:26:34Z

Well, they're not close friends, but Harry and Charles are finally talking like civilised men. This morning, Harry made breakfast and Charles thanked him. It made my day start far more peacefully than has hitherto been the case.

Harry went out to pick some pockets and Charles and I had lunch at a restaurant in Kensington. Suddenly he said, "Harry's not wholly unreasonable, really."

"I'm very fond of him." I said.

"He can be funny, when he tries. I think I can make allowances for his lack of education."

"It's true he hasn't had a lot of education." I said, "But his mind is like quicksilver."

Charles looked at me for a moment and said, "I still don't understand why you took him on."

"He reminds me of me at that age." I said, which was true, in a way.

"A photograph would be less trouble." said Charles, but there was no malice in his tone.

danielbefore @ 2009-01-15T06:15:00

2009-01-15T07:06:36Z

Today, the boys almost came to blows over whether movies are better than plays, with Charles calling Harry a barbarian because he'd never seen Othello and Harry calling Charles something I won't repeat for saying Casablanca was "utter nonsense". When Charles expressed the view that Ingrid Bergman was nothing special, I had to stand between them.

Charles then, deliberately, spoke in Latin. "Ipsa scientia potestas est." Knowledge itself is power.

Harry looked for a moment completely lost, then he decided to bluff it out. "That's easy for you to say!" he said.

"Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum." I said to Charles. The great thing is to know when to speak and when to keep quiet.

"Scire tuum nihil est, nisi te scire hoc sciat alter." he replied. Your knowledge is nothing when no one else knows that you know it.

"Quod cibus est aliis, aliis est wenenum." I said. What is food to some is poison to others.

"Can I help it if he had no education?" said Charles.

"Harry has had a fine education." I said.

"People who speak Greek are mainly poofs." said Harry, "Poofs and toffs and ... "

"Latin, you berk!" said Charles.

"I said Latin. I did say bloody Latin!" said Harry.

"Which am I?" I said, "A poof or a toff?"

"You're a toff, Daniel." said Harry, much to my relief.

"I'd rather be a toff than a bloody oik like you!" said Charles.

"Well, tough, because you're a poof!" said Harry.

"If I might interject ... " I said.

"What language is that?" said Harry.

"He's so ignorant!" said Charles.

"I've tried to teach you both to fit in anywhere." I said, "This class warfare, entertaining though it might be to the plebs is marking you both as inferior men. Men confident of their position do not put down those they see as beneath them."

"He started it." said Harry.

"An excellent argument for any three year old." I said, "I expect better from you."

"Ha!" said Charles.

"Is that what passes for debate at Eton, these days?" I said.

I left the room. Outside, I waited. Inevitably, I heard what I had been aiming for. Harry said, "Arrogant bloody bastard." and Charles, with feeling replied, "Yes, I don't know why we listen to him."

danielbefore @ 2009-01-12T04:01:00

2009-01-12T04:30:03Z

Charles and Harry are still glaring at each other when they think I'm not looking. Yesterday, I saw Charles trip Harry and later I saw Harry go up to Charles and knock his elbow, making him spill wine on his shirt (white wine, fortunately). The ridiculous thing is that the very nature of the conflict shows how alike they are. These two should be like brothers, though, thinking back to when I was fifteen and my brother drove me mad, maybe they are.

Last night, Harry came to my room. He asked if I could spare a moment and, getting ready to refuse a request to ditch Charles, I said yes.

He looked very uneasy and hesitated a lot, but eventually, he said, "Daniel, we had a great time for a while and I'm not saying I didn't enjoy all the luxury ... " It sounded a lot like the start of a farewell speech. I tried to forestall him.

"Harry," I said, "Things will improve. It's good to have a few lean times."

"I know." he said, "I'm used to them."

Of course he was, with the life he'd led. "If it's a question of more money, I can get you more tomorrow." I said.

He grinned. "You're priceless, Daniel! I'm not here looking for more than my share. I may not have gone to a snooty school, or a school of any kind, but I don't have any trouble facing reality. We can't afford for me to get greedy. There's no spare cash and, whatever Charles says, I'm not here to take all your money."

"Ignore what Charles says." I said, "I'd hate you to leave because of him or anything else."

"The truth is, a gutter rat like me ... "

"Don't use those words. They were thrown at you. You didn't have to catch them."

Harry ignored me. "I don't need luxury, Daniel. I don't need money in my pocket. You took me away from sleeping under bridges and eating rubbish. All I really need is a bed and a bit of food. Maybe a movie sometimes."

"Harry, you deserve a lot more than that." I said.

"Danny Boy, I've got more than that. I've got someone who can teach me everything I'll ever need to know."

I realised that he wasn't talking about leaving. "What's on your mind?" I said.

"A fifty-fifty split is good. It works well. Why change it? I don't need money. I'll work for bed and board. Then you and Charles will get more and I won't be too much of a burden."

"Harry, do you think I couldn't walk out of here now and have ten thousand pounds by 6 am? We're only as short of money as I allow us to be. I sometimes like having less. It proves I haven't let money become the reason for the game. Money doesn't matter, it's just the way we keep score. Mercenary people are never happy. Once money becomes too important, you can never have enough."

"But if we ever run out, I'm the logical one to drop." he said. On what planet is leaving a kid like him to fend for himself logical?

"Harry," I said, "Charles has a home in Surrey. He has a family who, if not always loving are at least benignly indifferent. If I sent him back there, he'd survive. If money ever did run out, which it won't while I have my wits and the power of speech, it wouldn't be you I'd send away. Charles is a good friend, but my first duty is to you."

"I thought you didn't believe in duty." he said.

"Duty imposed is different from duty chosen." I said.

"I meant what I said. I don't need money."

"I know you don't, and I applaud your good sense. However, I have money and a third of it is yours."

He sat in the chair and said, "Daniel, I'm trying to be practical."

"It's a dreadful habit. Stop it at once." I said.

"No-one ever tried to stop me giving them money before." he said.

"I can get any money I want." I said, "Money, luxury, obliging blondes with big ... eyes. Money is like rain, it drops from the heavens upon us all and I happen to have a bucket to catch it in."

He spoke very slowly and clearly. "Daniel, I'm offering to work for nothing."

"I understood the nature of the proposition." I said, "No deal."

Trouble in the Kitchen

2008-12-31T07:49:55Z

I don't know what to do with Harry and Charles. I'm starting to think they'll never be civil to each other. I'm the worst possible father figure for two teenagers, especially two as territorial as these.

Yesterday, Charles went into the kitchen and drank the last of a bottle of wine he assumed was mine. I've always let both boys help themselves to things like that. Unfortunately, it was Harry's and he was saving it for a sauce he intended to make for dinner. He called Charles a thief, Charles called him a bastard, tactless in the extreme, especially as he knows now that Harry never knew his father.

Harry became furious and threw a chopping board at Charles, which missed, hit the wall and cracked. Estelle was not pleased. Harry apologised to Estelle, then shoved Charles backwards, making him hit his head on the wall.

This made Charles angry too. He said, "You common little crook!" and punched Harry in the stomach. Harry replied, "Common?" and grabbed a bread knife.

"Harry, Charles, freeze!" I said.

"Why are you protecting him?" said Harry, but he put the knife onto the table.

"I'm not." I said, "I think you're both being idiots."

"He started it." said Charles.

"You stole my bloody wine!" said Harry.

"Ever thought of writing your name on it? I assume you can write your name." said Charles.

"There didn't seem much point." said Harry, "I wasn't sure you'd be able to read it."

"Look at you, all dressed up like a gentleman. Organ-grinders dress their monkeys, but there's still just a monkey underneath." said Charles.

"Charles," I said, "That's not fair."

"And giving this oik precedence over me is?" said Charles, "Where did you find him? In a gutter?"

"You shut your mouth, before I shut it for you!" said Harry.

"Harry," I said, "Violence is for mindless thugs."

"You're always siding with him!" Harry said and he stormed out of the room.

Charles followed as far as the foot of the stairs and yelled, "Coward!" and we both heard a door slam.

"Charles," I said, "For my sake, try to get along with Harry."

"Get rid of him." said Charles, "I hate him."

"He's alone in the world. I'm all he has." I said.

"I can see why his dad didn't hang around."

"Don't ever say that to Harry. Charles, I've never known you to be cruel. Don't use what you know to hurt him."

"Does he know something about you, Uncle Harry?" he said.

"And don't call me that in front of him."

"He has some hold over you, or you wouldn't take his side. We're family and you prefer that selfish, arrogant, vicious ... "

"Enough, Charles!" I said.

"One dark night, he'll grab what he can and go. You're a fool to trust him."

"If that happens, you can say, 'I told you so.'" I said.

"And why is he allowed to sleep with girls when I'm not?" he said.

"From the argument I heard, you do." I said.

He blushed. "I made that up. I couldn't say I'd never done it, could I? He'd have laughed at me."

Estelle came over and said, "Charlie, love, Harry's a lovely boy when you get to know him. He's only being difficult because he doesn't know you."

"Great!" said Charles, "You're on his side too."

Now neither of them are talking to either of us. Last night, just as I was heading off to bed, Estelle said to me, "Look on the bright side, at least hating us gives them something in common."

Charles and Harry

2008-12-27T05:37:31Z

Last night, after I went to bed, Harry and Charles stayed in the kitchen. An hour later, I still hadn't heard either come upstairs, so I went down to find out what was going on. Standing outside the kitchen, I heard Harry say, "I can't believe you've never seen it. It's a classic."

"I can't believe you've never read Ivanhoe." said Charles, "What school do you go to?"

"Schools for people with something to learn." said Harry.

"Or for people capable of learning." said Charles.

"I learn fast, too fast for school." said Harry.

I wondered if I should intervene. It was sounding distinctly unfriendly. Then Harry said, "Have you ever ... you know ... with a girl?"

"God, yes." said Charles, "Many times."

"Me too." said Harry.

"How many girls?"

"After a while, you lose count, don't you?" said Harry.

"That many, eh?" said Charles.

"How about you?" said Harry.

"I stopped counting after twenty. I'm never sure whether twins count as two."

"Twins?" said Harry.

I wanted to laugh. It was obvious that neither had ever been with a girl and equally obvious that neither was going to admit it. What Charles said next worried me. Quietly, he said, "Daniel has no money, Harry, he spends it all."

"I know, I help him." said Harry.

"What happens when it all runs out?"

"I'll get him some more." said Harry.

"If anyone ever cheated him, I'd kill them." said Charles. He's a good boy, but entirely unjust to think ill of Harry.

"Me too." said Harry, "I could kill someone easily."

"Ever done it before?" said Charles.

"Nearly. Put a bloke in hospital. I'm good with a knife."

I went in. "It's late," I said, "You two should be in bed."

"We were just talking," said Charles, "Getting to know each other."

"Good." I said, "I want you two to be friends."

After they had gone to their rooms, I poured a glass of brandy and sat wondering whether they'd ever get over the bad start. I was nearing the end of the glass when Estelle came in and said, "I knew those lads would drive you to drink! Not that it's ever a long journey. Get off to bed now, Daniel. You'll need to be alert if you're going to keep those two in line."

"They're good lads." I said, "Just very different."

"If you ask me, they're too alike, and each of them scared of losing you." said Estelle.

"Harry knows I'll never abandon him," I said, hoping it was true, "And Charles certainly knows it."

She smiled and said, "Go to bed."

"Have I been adopted?" I said.

"Someone has to take care of you." she said.

"I suppose Gina Lollobrigida isn't available." I said.

danielbefore @ 2008-12-20T03:45:00

2008-12-20T04:07:27Z

We picked up Charles at the station. The boy is shamefully neglected by my brother. Oh, he's fed and clothed well enough, but when we collected him, the first thing I noticed was that his left wrist was bandaged. When I asked why, he said he'd stolen a car and crashed it. The boy needs some attention, otherwise he'll end up blowing himself up in some mad stunt.

Charles and Harry circled each other like two dogs meeting at the edge of their territories. I'd hoped they would instantly like each other, being cousins and both lacking a suitable father figure, but instead there was instant suspicion.

I said, "Harry, this is Charles Sinclair, my nephew." and then I turned to Charles and said, "Charles, this is Harry Chalmers, my very good friend."

They shook hands in the grudging way teenagers do, then Harry picked up the case Charles had just put down and said, "Just one case?"

"Yes." said Charles.

"Good." said Harry, before taking it over to the car. We were both well aware that he meant it was good that Charles didn't plan to stay long.

"He's an orphan." I said, hoping to mitigate any bad feeling between them, "He tends to be a little insecure."

"Are you a Sinclair or a Chalmers now?" said Charles.

"Daniel Chalmers. And don't call me Harry around Harry." I said.

"He doesn't know your other names?" said Charles, sounding hopeful.

"He doesn't know that one."

"Not that good a friend, then." said Charles.

"Charles, Harry's a good lad. You'll like him."

"Where does he go to school?" he said.

"He doesn't." I said.

"A real charity case, eh, Daniel?"

"I thought you'd like having someone your own age around." I said.

Charles sighed and said, "I preferred it when it was just you and me."

Harry came back and said, "Let's go, before we miss tea."

"Yes," I said, "Let's go and get some of Estelle's cake. With luck, we can get the townhouse back next week."

"Do I have to share my room?" said Harry.

"No," I said, "Charles usually has the blue room."

"What about at Estelle's?" said Charles, "I'd rather share with you than Harry."

"No, I'm sharing with Daniel." said Harry.

"Neither of you will need to. Estelle doesn't have many others staying with her right now." I said.

Then we reached the car and Charles jumped into the front with me before Harry got a chance. Harry subsequently spent the whole journey kicking Charles from behind.

This is my biggest challenge yet. Somehow I have to persuade these two to be friends.

Farewell to Casablanca.

2008-12-12T07:18:39Z

Yesterday, I found Harry talking to three girls his age. They were gazing at him adoringly while he told them various tales straight out of his imagination. I'll say this for the boy, when he lies, he lies big.

They believed him, of course. Everyone believes him. He fixes them with those innocent blue eyes and no-one asks any of the questions that should be leaping into their minds.

In the end, I had to take him away from his fans so we could collect the items we were to take to London for my friend. I reminded Harry of the basic rules of smuggling, such as trying to look annoyed rather than nervous and neither avoiding eye contact nor holding it too obviously, but it was like giving an eagle advice on thermals. When we arrived at Gatwick, there was a female customs officer waiting. He flirted outrageously with her and she barely glanced at his case. When it was my turn, she searched mine thoroughly. I must have appeared somewhat disreputable. Time in Morrocco can have that effect on me.

We went to Estelle's place and she hugged Harry and immediately started feeding the lad. She has this idea that he never gets proper food, although he eats very well with me. However, her home-cooking and general fussing makes him feel loved, so I don't try to discourage it.

Tomorrow, we're going to pick up Charles. I just hope they like each other.

Harry is Rick.

2008-10-24T11:22:28Z

Harry is insisting I call him Rick now. Ever since we arrived in Casablanca, he's refused to answer to Harry. He wanted to be Rick Blaine, but I pointed out how risky that was, especially as he travelled here as Harry Chalmers. We've compromised on Rick Chalmers and back to Harry if we need to do anything official.

We're travelling as father and son this time. On arrival, the desk clerk asked if Rick is my son and he said yes before I had a chance to answer. It's good to hear him call me Dad, even if it doesn't mean anything to him.

I've seen an old friend here. He asked if I'd help him get a few items to London. Nothing is easier. I'll let Harry take them. His angelic face never gets him challenged by customs officials.

He doesn't like the coffee here. It's a little strong for his taste.

Heading for Morocco

2008-10-07T07:40:35Z

I'm taking Harry to Morocco tomorrow. He's sure he wants to see Casablanca and it's time some of his dreams came true. After Morocco, I need to be in London, because my brother left a message for me at the club that sounds worrying. He has a habit of disappearing and the message says he needs me to look after his son for a while.

Sometimes he amazes me. After all those years of wishing I could be with my son, I can't understand a man who is so quick to shrug his son off. Charles is a sensitive boy and it must hurt him.

Quite how I am going to introduce Harry and Charles to each other, I don't know. They're close in age and both good-natured, so I hope they'll become friends.

Well, Casablanca first. Harry deserves it.

In the Mountains

2008-09-05T17:49:00Z

I took Harry up into the mountains, to where my father took me, years ago when we had the most honest conversation of our lives. We talked, on the way up, about my father and Harry listened to my stories with the same attention that a starving man gives a loaf of breath that lies just beyond his reach.

When we found a high place, we sat and looked down on the world and Harry said, "Do you miss your dad?"

"Yes." I said.

He was silent and I wondered what he was thinking. Eventually, he said, "I wish yours had lived and mine had died."

"I wish yours had stayed with you." I said.

"I didn't need him. Who needs someone like that? He was worthless."

"What if he loved you?" I said, feeling wounded, even though I knew those harsh words were not intended for me.

Harry laughed bitterly. "Me? Daniel, people don't love me!"

I wanted to tell him. I reached out and put my hand on his shoulder and I opened my mouth to tell him that I was his father and had loved him since I knew of his existence. I tried to speak, but the words stuck in my throat and his next words killed them altogether.

"I don't need a father. Wouldn't want one. Bloody useless, the lot of them. Yours was okay, but mine was a rat."

"You're probably right." I said and walked to the edge to look into the distance.

He recognised my sorrow, but not the reason for it and he said, "Is it difficult, being here without him?"

I couldn't answer. I knew my voice would be thick with unshed tears and I couldn't let him hear it. I shook my head and walked away, adding three yards more of real, solid distance to the wide gulf that already existed between us. Quietly, so that he couldn't hear, I said the words I longed to say, "You're my son and I love you and I will always be here when you need me."

He suddenly found a stone and brought it over to me. "Look at this, Daniel." he said.

"Obsidian." I said.

"You should have it." he said, "It's slightly shady, but when you hold it up, the light shines through."

I knew what he was saying, but how do you say "I love you too." when the words have not been said?

Narcisse

2008-08-23T20:24:35Z

I found Narcisse at the kind of low bar that makes me itch. I never frequent such places by choice.

Before I opened my mouth, he said, "You're here about the little thief. You're here about that boy who thinks he can set up an operation in my area and not pay for it."

"He's just a kid." I said, "Leave him alone."

"If he were a grown man, I'd break both his hands." said Narcisse.

"You attacked a boy much younger than Harry." I reminded him.

"Younger, but less clever. Harry could be worth something to me. I'll give you two thousand dollars for him."

"You're crazy." I said.

"Then take advantage of my insanity and make yourself some money."

"I wouldn't sell Harry for two thousand dollars!"

"Five, then."

"Not for ten."

"He's not worth ten." said Narcisse, but he is worth two. His looks alone make him worth two. If he's no good as a thief, I can sell him to someone who'll find a use for his looks."

I took out my gun and said, "Over your dead body, Narcisse."

"Don't be a fool. My man has had a gun pointed at you since you arrived."

"Then pray he's a fast shot. Nobody threatens my nephew."

"Oh, he's family! Then let's say six thousand, for sentiment."

"I told you. He's not for sale." I said.

"My man can kill you and then Harry is mine anyway."

"My man is watching your man and will shoot him if he raises his gun." I lied.

"You're bluffing. You came alone." said Narcisse.

At that moment, a gunshot rang out. Narcisse backed away and took cover.

I looked down, expecting to see that I'd been shot and a voice called out, "Daniel! Here!"

I ran towards Harry's hiding place and he dragged me off down a street. "There was a bloke pointing a gun at you, Danny boy. One shot and you'd be spattered halfway to Casablanca."

"Must you be quite so graphic?" I said, adjusting my tie.

"He was about to bloody kill you!" said Harry.

"The situation was under control."

"Yeah, but not yours! Whatever happened to always having a way out?"

"Give me the gun, Harry."

"Clever men don't need guns." he said.

"I heard the shot."

"No, you only think you did." he said, looking very pleased with himself. He handed over a cheap and probably dangerous firework. "Tabib's brother knew where to get 'em. Effective, wasn't it?"

I have to admit, he's a clever lad.

Why do I let him out of my sight?

2008-07-30T20:09:45Z

Tabib, thank Heaven, will be fine. What seemed a dreadful wound was far less deep than it looked. He'll probably have a slight scar, but in his world, that's no bad thing. I stayed with him at the hospital until his brother was located and brought in. I gave his brother some money. Can't have any of Harry's friends going hungry because they're one boy down.

I also asked about the man who stabbed him. Tabib's brother said he was a Moroccan called Narcisse. Asking around a few of my contacts, I discovered that he's not a man I want breathing down Harry's neck.

I asked Harry what happened and he said he chased the man, but couldn't catch him, which means Narcisse knows and is probably looking for a chance to make an example of Harry.

"I could get a gun." said Harry, "I bet you could get me one."

"And what would a gun solve?" I said.

"It would even the odds."

"It would put you six feet under." I said.

"I bet he has a gun." said Harry.

"Then he's a fool." I said.

After our little argument, I went to see a man who could supply me with a gun. I'll never let the boy have one, but I think I may need one this time, because I have to make sure that Narcisse doesn't think I'm joking when I tell him any attack on Harry would be the end of his career. Harry may be a reckless fool, but he's my reckless fool.

Later, I saw Harry again. "Daniel," he said, "Is this thing with Dilara serious?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do you love her?"

"Don't be ridiculous."

"Well then, if you get bored, can I have her." he said, dodging neatly out of the way before I could get annoyed.

"Harry," I said, "I share my brandy, but never my women, understood?"

"Yeah, but when I find someone fantastic, same applies."

I think I'll be able to contain my envy when he finds himself some pretty teenager.

Tabib

2008-07-29T21:17:59Z

Tonight, Dilara and I went for a long walk and then had dinner at the hotel. Harry knew I had an assignation, so he spent the evening with his nefarious friends. I said I was grateful for his discretion and he said, "Danny boy, when you get to your age, there aren't many more opportunities left to get your leg over." I told him his choice of words was crude and unbecoming and he said, "Yeah, well, find me a nice Turkish girl and maybe I won't be so jealous."

Dilara has seen me around with Harry and she asked who he was. I told her he was my nephew and she said I should be careful, as she'd seen him talking to some boys who were always in trouble. "He has an innocent face." she said, "I think he could be easily led astray."

"If only that were true of someone a little closer." I said.

Dilara laughed and said, "I don't think you often get turned down."

"Women can be cruel." I said.

"To those eyes? I doubt it." she said.

"My room is a lonely place." I said.

"I can't bear lonely places, so I am obliged for the warning."

"It would be less lonely, were you in it." I said.

"Yes, but I fear I might end up as somebody's holiday affair."

"Oh." I said.

"Would you even remember my name?"

"I'm very good with names." I said.

Just then, Harry ran in. He looked ashen. "Daniel, please, come!"

Dilara stood and took his arm. "What is it?"

"Tabib's hurt. He's bleeding."

We all went. Tabib lay in the gutter a few streets away. He'd been stabbed with something, a knife or a broken bottle, probably.

"It's one of the street boys." said Dilara.

"Nobody asked you to come." said Harry.

"Harry! Show respect to Dilara."

"My fault." said Dilara, "I didn't mean the boy was bad or unimportant."

Harry crouched beside his friend and said, "It's fine now, Tabib, my uncle is here. He knows what to do." His voice was shaking.

I managed to slow down the bleeding. As we waited for Dilara to get help, I asked Harry what had happened. "A bloody thief!" he said, "He wanted to take Tabib's cut of what we took today. We didn't know he had a knife. I told Tabib not to let him have it."

"How old was the thief?" I said.

"An old bloke, maybe thirty."

"Turkish?"

"I don't think so. He sounded French."

Dilara came back. "They're coming to take him to hospital. Should I take Harry back to the hotel?"

"I'm staying with Tabib." said Harry.

"No, Harry." I said, "You're going with Dilara. Tabib is my responsibility now."

"I didn't know the bastard had a knife."

"Always assume the bastard has a knife." I said.

"Will he be okay?" said Harry.

"I'll make sure he is." I said.

Dilara led him away. Tabib opened his eyes and said, "Is he dead?"

"Harry's fine." I said.

"Not Harry," said Tabib, "The one that stabbed me. Harry took the knife and went after him."

Harry came to me to get help." I said, but I had a terrible feeling I hadn't been his first stop.

Harry and his Team

2008-07-16T09:49:03Z

I've found out what Harry's up to. He's running a fine little scam preying on tourists with the help of local pickpockets, many of whom aren't as good as he is. They're getting more as a cut of his takings than they'd make otherwise and taking less of a risk.

They attempt a dip, he pretends to notice and then leads the grateful tourist away, deftly removing wallet, watch and rings as he shakes their hand or accepts a small reward. Because he immediately takes the mark away from the other boys, nobody chases them and by the time they realise that the English boy was the real thief, he's vanished: something he is all too good at.

I watched him doing it this morning. At lunch, I challenged him about it, reminding him of our arrangement. He said the money he's making is for me, to cheer me up. Oddly, I don't think he's lying. I warned him to be careful and he smiled and said, "Always." Then he said, "What does Aydin mean?"

"Clever or educated." I said.

"Thank God for that!" he said.

He's good. There's not much he can't do.

Dilara

2008-07-11T08:22:28Z

Last night, I was watching the sunset when I met a lady named Dilara. We talked for a while about the beauty of the city in the fading light and I told her I was from Canada and we exchanged stories about our lives. I suspect hers were as false as mine.

Then we had dinner together, Harry having vanished with his friends again. I walked her home and kissed her and told her she was beautiful. I doubt we'll ever meet again, but she was pleasant company.

I miss Kate, though. These past few days, she's been on my mind a lot. I try not to think about her, but how do you forget the woman who died because you let her down?

What is he up to now?

2008-07-04T17:20:17Z

Yesterday, two youths called Hasad and Tabib turned up, looking for Harry. When he joined them, Hasad said, "Aydin, come quick! We found it!"

"Found what?" I said.

Harry smiled at me and said, "I'll tell you later. We have to go."

"I hope you're not pursuing any business interests without me." I said.

"No." said Harry, "What I'm going after is none of your business."

"Don't do anything I'm going to have to rescue you from." I said.

"Stop worrying!" he said, "We're only going to steal the Topkapi Dagger."

I suddenly stopped breathing. I stared at him in horror.

He grinned and said, "Joke!"

The trouble is, he would try if he thought he had a chance. It's good that he has confidence, but this is the vaulting ambition of which a certain Scottish play speaks. I let him go with his friends, but I had serious misgivings.

Hagia Sophia

2008-06-30T22:06:34Z

We spent most of the day at Hagia Sophia. Harry was awestruck, as I had hoped. As we walked from place to place, he asked a lot of questions and, as we stood in front of a picture of the Virgin and Child, he said, "Does it bother you?"

I almost said yes, then remembered that he could not know that thoughts of mothers and babies were much on my mind on the anniversary of his birth and his mother's death. "Does what bother me?" I said, noticing a tremor in my voice that I hoped he had not noticed.

"That is was a church and then a mosque and now it's just a museum?"

"Things change, Harry. At least it has been kept as a precious treasure." I said.

"When you were here with your dad ... " he began. He stopped. "Sorry. Maybe not the best thing to talk about."

"It's fine, Harry. The last time he brought me here was to tell me he was dying. He thought it would be easier for both of us in a public place. Easier not to cry."

"Did you?"

"What?"

"Cry?" he said.

"We both did, but with discretion."

"You loved him a lot, didn't you?" said Harry.

There was a little voice in my head shouting, "Coward!" and I knew I should have told him everything and trusted that he could forgive me. I tried. I looked at him and said, "Harry ... Harry, my boy."

"Yes, Daniel?" he said, fixing me with Kate's eyes and sparking off another voice that says, "Don't tell him! You'll break his heart and he'll hate you!"

"Harry ... " I said, not knowing what I could say.

"No, Daniel, you're not dying, are you?" he said.

"Me? I'll live to be a hundred! No, I'm fine." I said.

He grinned. "Good! Don't want to have to break in another partner at this stage."

"You little ... " I said.

"Did he say he was proud of you?" he asked.

"Not often, but sometimes."

"I bet he was, you know." he said, "I bet he told everyone else how great you were."

He was trying to comfort me, I realised, and I noticed something else. He was trying to offer me something he had always felt the lack of, a sense of a proud and loving father.

"Your father has more reason to be proud." I said.

"I don't care about him. Forget him, selfish bugger!" he said.

"Consider, for a moment, St Joseph." I said.

"Are you going religious on me again?" said Harry.

"Do you know who he was?"

"Of course. He was Jesus's dad."

"Technically, not."

"Oh, the whole angel thing." Harry has a way of whittling down vast eternal mysteries into such prosaic summaries.

"Indeed." I said, "But he loved Jesus and taught him a trade."

Harry laughed. "Pity he wasn't in our line of work. The Son of God would make a great pickpocket. Con artist too, except he didn't need to be."

"You believe he really was what he appeared to be?" I said, feeling hopeful.

"You believe it." he said.

"You don't want to believe in anything, do you?" I said.

"Easier that way." he said. He looked at the Virgin and Child again. "I believe in that. I believe there are people who love their kids. I believe your dad loved you. I believe he brought you here because he wanted to fill your head with all this stuff, so you'd have it after he was gone. I know my dad didn't care if I lived or died. He'd never have brought me here."

"I brought you here." I said.

"Yeah, you." he said. For a moment, I wondered whether he was about to say something to reject me as nothing, but then he smiled and said, "I believe in you, too, Danny boy."