By day, things are going well. We're working on Harry's driving and he's becoming quite adept and he's eager for the next con, which is a good sign.

At night, though, his words haunt me. "Nobody ever loved you and nobody ever will, because you're a mean-spirited old man with no heart." he said when I was angry about Charlotte. Is that really how he thinks of me? Obviously, I seem cold to him, but I'm not sure how to put that right.

When he says nobody will ever love me, I assume that means that he doesn't, which is a pity. I know I'm not really worthy of his love, but it still hurts to hear him say it.

I do have a heart, a bit battered, broken in places, but patched up with hope and good memories and well able to love still. That he doesn't see it is a pity, but I love him whether he knows it or not, him above all the world.

I couldn't sleep again last night. I went over everything in my head until I saw with terrible clarity the many stupid mistakes I'd made in dealing with the Harry and Charlotte situation. There was nothing I could do last night, with Harry sleeping (alone, I hope), but I decided that I need to radically change my approach to Harry.
( Read more... )

I was just going to my room last night when Harry came over to me and said, "Daniel, I don't apologise, ever."

"Good policy." I said.

"Even when I've said things that were wrong and stupid."

I didn't know what he was unapologising for, exactly, but that we were talking at all felt like progress. He has actually apologised in the past, but I didn't want to argue with him.

He waited and I wondered what I was supposed to say, then he said, "I didn't mean it when I said you were mean. You've been good to me, I know that. No-one else would have done all the stuff you've done to help me. I'm just a nasty person, Daniel, just someone with a big mouth who should have been dropped in a river at birth." He stood there, looking young and scared and angry all at once.

"Well," I said, "I'm very glad you weren't. I need you. You're my right hand man."

"Really? I thought, after the other night ... "

"Harry, we should talk tomorrow, about everything." I said.

He nodded and left. Maybe there's hope after all.

This thing with Harry is driving me insane. The games I play in my daily life make others do what I want, often whilst thinking it is what they wanted all along. I always have the right words to say. I am always certain of the outcome before I begin. I live my life in a merry dance of complete self-confidence.
( Read more... )

I think I've failed completely with Harry. We began with mutual respect, but now he despises me. I knew it wouldn't be easy, adapting to looking after a teenager after no experience beyond spending time with my brother's boy and Charles has none of the complications that Harry came with.
( Read more... )

Last night, things got to me a little. It happens, sometimes. Sometimes I hear some sweet Irish song about a Kate or a Kathleen or a Kitty and the endless longing for her becomes a physical ache that even brandy can't make me forget.
( Read more... )

Maybe it's time I told Harry the truth. Maybe he'd listen to me more then and accept that my advice is intended to help him. Even if he got angry, at least it would all be out in the open and he might forgive me, with time.
( Read more... )

Harry has a photograph of Charlotte. After all that I told him about not keeping things like that, he had one in his case! Sometimes I wonder whether he listens at all!

I told him to destroy it. He's promised he will, after we leave. He can't before then, in case she asks to see it.

I'm sorry to say that I'm not sure I can trust him to destroy it. He didn't even tell me he had it. Soon after we go home, I'll go through his things and make sure it's gone. If I find it, I'll destroy it myself. He has to learn not to take risks like that.

I noticed last night that there are things missing from Harry's room, small, valuable things. I'm beginning to wonder if Harry is a kleptomaniac. Theft is good, uncontrolled theft is not. If he is caught stealing, we can't come back here again.

I should have spoken to him then, but he seemed anxious about something and I worried that an argument might ensue. I'll talk to him tonight and make sure he puts the stuff back before anyone else notices it has gone.

I think it's insecurity. When I first found him, he used to hoard food. Hopefully he'll grow out of this habit too.

At least he and Charlotte seem less close now. Hopefully their romance will end before we have to leave.

I was going to talk to Charlotte today, but just after I caught sight of her in the gardens, she saw Harry and ran over to join him by a sundial.

I felt guilty then, for having had any dark suspicions. They looked so innocent. He kissed her on the cheek, then looked embarrassed and she just smiled. I can see what he sees in her. She's pretty, but there's also a spark of wit and Harry loves those who can make him laugh.

It was so painful to watch them and know that I had to make him end his little romance. We can't take a complication like that back to London.

I don't know which is more cruel, to make him end it now or give them more time. Young love is always so intense! I don't doubt that he has strong feelings for her. It's times like this that I wish he had a mother.